wayne's world

and other ideas for Top Design improvements and spinoffs

They are down to three designers: Andrea, Matt and Carisa.

This is actual dialogue:

Matt: We’re Charlie’s Angels.
[They are entering the PDC.[
Matt: I’m Farrah.
Andrea: Yes. Yes you are.

Priceless.

The Angels head to the PDC to get their orders.

Charlie/Todd: Pick an Elle Décor cover. Design a room like this cover but not like this cover.

Make it for $7,500. That shouldn’t be a problem after you’ve had the PDC discounts and budgets of 40K. You have all of Los Angeles to shop in. Oh? You don’t know the city? No problem – here’s a computer. You can enter the names of the shops you don’t know into the computer and get their addresses here.

It’s another damned PDC pod assignment. What? They couldn’t find three rooms in all of Los Angeles that they could use?

Andrea goes straight to an architectural shop. She’s going to focus on how she is an architect rather than a designer. That is what the judges are looking for in her right? She is also looking for “natural looking” furnishings. I guess because her style is so natural—very crunchy and earthy.

Carisa – god love her – is having a fabulous time shopping. One thing I admire about Carisa is that when she isn’t stressed she is incredibly cheerful about what she is doing.

That does look like a fun shop.

Andrea is being very smug about how she has the advantage since she’s from Los Angeles. Uh-oh.

Then there is Matt. He is freaking out. This was painful but it was also entertaining. I did not realize that he was THAT much of a decorator prima donna.

Now I have not jumped on the whole Matt-is-gay bandwagon. I've been amused by it, sure. But I've not insisted that it must be so. I’ve a penchant for those lean intellectual guys. (And of course there is the whole “Jesus-is-My-Boyfriend- um, let’s call it an “unresolved issue”.”)

Anyhoo, I can go with the whole Charlies Angels / Farrah thing – that was a self-conscious joke - however, THIS was one of the gayest things I’ve heard:

“Like, bargain shopping – that’s not what I do.”

Of course he may have momentarily been possessed by Cher from Clueless.

Anyway, there is more fun to be had with Matt -- lots more -- when we meet his tailor Wayne Yazzie, who, guessing from his hat and glasses, appears to have been in the midst of a poker game.

I would like to find a picture of Wayne to use here.
If anyone has a screen cap I can use let me know.

The enigmatic Wayne inspired the sidebar below:

NOTE TO PRODUCERS:

1. wayne

I have this to say about the sudden introduction of Wayne:

WHAT THE HELL?!!

Where has HE been? We are just NOW meeting this character?!!! Are there more of them in the PDC upholstery center? Has Bravo been hiding some treasure trove of nutcases from viewers?

I feel completely cheated. It is like there was this whole other show that I missed -- the fun, entertaining version of Top Design -- the show that included kooks like Wayne.

2. todd

Speaking of which, that show would also have included a lot more of Todd. Could Todd be more wonderful? I think not.

Todd is completely and utterly the Voice of Reason. And you need that if you have a show populated by people who are increasingly becoming more and more insane.

Todd has a similar role to Tim Gunn but he plays it in a very different way. Todd is very understated. He’s much kinder, gentler. Tim Gunn seems more informed because he acts the role of the expert: imperious and opinionated. It is hilarious and theatrical; it is perfect for the world of fashion which has so much to do with performance.

Todd is actually much more informed; he has far more experience in the field and unlike Gunn he provides real hands-on instructions – tips and tricks -- on how to do things. Frankly we did not get enough Todd time. We could even use a little Todd segment each episode. Like on how to do that little upholstery trick he showed Matt.

3. the carpenters

The carpenters should be standing up there with the designers. They do a hell of a lot of work. I mean Goil had Sarah make a lot of aesthetic decisions for him. Carl sees himself as an artisan and that may lead to a lot of arguing with Carisa but it is also why she succeeds. Plus, from the start Carisa’s designs have had a lot of built-ins so – although she would never admit it – her work is very much a team effort. Some of those carpenters are craftsmen (and women) and as a potter you’d think Jonathan Adler would realize that the ones that are doing that level of work deserve a little more of the credit.

4. the weasel

Get rid of that sick little mofo “The Assistant.” Bravo should be ashamed of itself for encouraging this by letting it continue. You would never have someone write things in the name of Bravo that were that homophobic or racist. Why is it okay to be that virulently misogynist?

. . . AND WE’RE BACK

Matt says he has Margaret in the back of his head.

Kelly claims that Matt confessed "a distracting crush on Margaret."

Oh, that will go over well back at home.

Through the NSA we've been able to get excerpts from Matt's phone calls following this revelation.

Wife: Who is this Margaret? Where does this whore live? I swear to god I'll cut her.

Daughter: Daddy what's a switchblade?

Wife: I'm coming to get your skinny-ass. I'll kill you and your whore-bitch girlfriend.

Daughter: Mommy went on a trip. Uncles Hoboy and Kilo are here. They make sugar and they said I can try some if I'm good.

Wife: You bastard. I liked it better when you were gay.

Well, I'm sure they've patched things up by now.


Unfortunately either Margaret isn't talking to Carisa or the voices in Carisa's head are bickering so much that she can't hear what Margaret is saying this week. Because what Margaret is saying is that there is no way in hell that Elle Décor would publish any of her designs, which is what Margaret says at the judging.

This is why it is bizarre that they kicked Andrea off. Carisa’s room was basically the best room. If it wasn’t going to win because it was not up to Elle Décor ’s standards then you might as well kick Carisa off now. Why have her go on to the finals if in the finals Margaret is just going to say the same thing: this isn't Elle Décor 's style.

Part of this is Carisa's fault. It was like she was trying to irk Margaret. She knew what Margaret's pet peeve was -- and so that was what she did.

Oh Carisa -- pillows on the Jacobson chair? WhyWhyWhy?

If you have listened to anything Margaret has said to you then why in gods name do you have pillows everywhere?

Maybe she has the wrong Margaret voice in her head. Maybe she has the voice of Marge Simpson.

"I say there should be more pillows and knick-knacks!"

ANDI 'N' CARI : COMING TO YOUR TOWN SOON!

Andrea and Carisa are such opposites that they are like a comedy team. Andrea is so understated that she seems morose. Her statements are often unintentionally droll. Carisa can be very funny and of course she is also comically awful at times.



Carisa (sharing her unsolicited opinion with Andrea): "I’m not sure why you painted it at all . . . Nothing says happy like grey.”

Andrea is pissed off at Carisa for saying this and yet in the next scene she realizes that her grey room is depressing. To brighten it up and make it happy she paints it taupe. That’s the spirit Andrea.

Andrea: “Carisa is different from me in thinking and vocalizing” which is a rather quaint way of saying that Carisa is a bitch.

Andrea: “I love hearing other people freak out.“ For Andrea “vocalizing” (a primitive animal act) or any sort of expression of emotion would involve a massive surgical procedure. She can’t help it. Let us not forget that Andrea is Swiss and emotions are for ethnic people.


If that comedy team doesn’t work out perhaps there could be a sitcom with Carl and Carisa. I think we all cheered when Carl finally snapped at Carisa. I also thought it was hilarious that Carisa didn’t miss a beat. Neither one of them did. The two of them just kept on working and bickering. It is amazing that they can concentrate. It is amazing that someone hasn’t lost a finger.

Or a head.

Even so, I thought Carisa was going to win.

Carisa's room really captured the cover of Elle magazine -- so I don't know how you can then say it isn't Elle's style or standard. If it isn't up to that level of luxury maybe that is because the budget was $7500.

It says a lot about how much Margaret hates Carisa’s style. Or something. It almost seems like there is some class snobbery going on that makes Margaret biased against Carisa.

Jonathan, on the other hand, is clearly charmed by her. He likes her style but he also likes that "be happy" part of Clarisa.


However, Margaret was dressed in a silver silk satin dress in the style of a 1930s film goddess so you know her word was the final word.

As if it ever isn’t.

Kelly, by the way, had gotten rid of her bad perm this week. That's the good news.

The bad news is that she had plates hanging from her ears -- not dinner or salad plates, more like bread plates.

The look was sort of Apocalypto by way of Fort Lauderdale.

It was understated for her.

earth to andrea

The idea that earth was a difficult element for a hotel room was Completely Bogus. I practically wanted to yell at the television: "Green! Think Green!" And this was what Kelly asked her.

It was such an easy element to be given. Every hotel in the world is doing the California Spa experience with some Japanese touches as well like bamboo, teak and reed. A spa refers to materials like water and marble and sand. It also evokes stone and linen and iris; or jade and silk and orchid.


Frankly, that room Andrea came up with was bizarre.

It was like bad West Elm.

She seemed so stuck on the idea that earth = cruncy granola and folksy plows. To avoid this look she made something very dry and dull. The dimensions were off.

She couldn't break away from her fixed associations and move into ways of imagining that would help her create a room that felt luxurious. There are so many ways to indulge in the idea of sensuality with an element like earth. Rich color is one way.

This is Marimekko (above). Scandinavian designers -- and especially Finnish designers -- have so much life and energy in their nature motifs. Check out Lotta Jansdotter (below) -- she's mainly known for her textiles but her ceramics are also fabulous --

perhaps for a for a breakfast in bed.

There are so many hotels and spas that one could use as examples but one place that came to my mind was Hotel Vitale in San Francisco.

I remembered it as being green but in fact the colors in these pictures are more browns and blues but they couldn't be more different in feel from Andrea's. They are much warmer.


The lobby:


One thing none of the designers provided was a decent workspace:


Here is a great alternative to Andrea's insect-collecting grass tables:


At any rate, everyone today wants the hotel to provide the spa experience and that is very much associated with a kind of natural -- green -- sensibility.

It was driving me nuts to watch Andrea make a room that was so utterly wrong-headed!

Hotel Vitale Press:

• Alaska Magazine
• Rugged Elegant Living

purple haze

Regarding the purple curtain situation, as I've said earlier, in this episode the judge' biases and blind spots are starting to get more and more blatant.

It was ridiculous the way the judges got so breathless over Erik's little curtain: "It was so fresh!!!! Like they'd never seen a cream and black roman shade before.

Furthermore, the girls liked the curtains. Those customers were far more satisfied than Goil's customer (i.e., the dog). In this case the judges should have just left Michael alone: the curtains were beautiful, useful and functional; he did what the leader asked him to do; and he provided what the client wanted. Instead the judges (as discussed in a previous post) should have made Goil stand up there and defend his doggy wagon.

Then there is the matter of accusing Michael of spending too much time working on the curtains. Those curtains were a lot of work and they were the most aesthetically important part of the garage especially since Ryan didn't create any art. There was even a rumor spread -- by the judges! -- that Michael may have focused so much on this task because he was flirting with the tailor. So does that mean that Goil had a crush on the dog?

For the record: Michael's appearance on Watch What Happens and subsequent postings on Pink Navy (utterly delicious!) put this matter to rest.

I'm wondering if the judges have some sort of allergy to aubergine. Have they ever liked any one's use of that color? Or do they just associate that color with Michael and because they have it in for Michael they don't like the color?

Michael's color choice may be based on criteria other than the one that the judges accuse him of (i.e., that he just likes every shade of grape that he's ever seen). Honestly, could they BE any more condescending? Why don't they just make him wear a helmet and call him a REtard while they are at it? In fact, there may be a reason that demonstrates Michael's professional skills.

Maybe Michael picked that color because it was the color Mr. Bell was wearing earlier in the day? Consciously or not -- an astute designer would register those kinds of things.

I'm sure that if Matt had made the curtains would they have lavished praise on him as having a keen sensitivity towards clients and color (See: why matt can do no wrong).

NOTE: I have noted in an earlier post "accentuate the positive" that Jonathan Adler's blog was less snarky this week but when it comes to Michael: it is still sour grapes.

The final problem has to do Andrea's leadership, and in some ways, her integrity (although that is not a reality tv show value where the idea is to do what ever it takes to win). Here's the deal: Elizabeth had to take the hit for colors that weren't entirely her choice. And she got kicked off for this. (Although that was probably a trumped up charge just to get rid of the boring decrepit old lady in her forties. Yeah. Speaking of purple: someone who threw parties for Prince's Purple Rain tour couldn't possibly be very cool or hip or interesting.) But I digress.

In this situation Andrea had immunity. It was really quite small of her not to take responsibility for the color choice. She had to know that blaming Michael for that shade of purple -- which was not entirely his fault after all [added 03/12: see the quiet one for evidence] -- could have gotten him kicked off the show that night.

NOTE: Yes, I've been defending the boy a lot lately (although I was not an immediate fan). Lest anyone think I'm in danger of sounding like one of Michael's minions, let me be clear: I'm nobody's minion. (He can be mine, however: mainly shades, banshees, that sort of thing. It's better than cleaning out garages -- or picking up after the the hell-hounds of hades -- but unless you get an Elysian appointment it isn't very glamourous work. Of course I'd find a good place for him in the organization. Hell needs a lot of redecorating.)

2. andrea & michael

or, you can never have too much glitter

In my previous post (2: elizabeth & goil) I surmised that Elizabeth may have known too much about her client -- but forgot to think about the client's point of view. That is, she looked at the room from the point of view of the mother of a young boy.

On the flip side there's Andrea. Andrea stated in her interview that she grew up with brothers and was the mother of two boys and she really didn't know much about girls. The first thing that popped into my mind was "glitter!" And in the end, it was so sweet and funny because her client's critique of the room was that she wanted to have more glitter.

Here is the thing. Every year I spend time with two nieces (one is actually a daughter of friends but she is like a niece) who are 7-8 now. It is sort of like their art camp with their auntie. I learned this my first year and it has remained true every year: you can never have too much glitter. This is actually the secret to life.

After glitter comes pink, purple, princesses and ponies, in terms of what is important to girls. My nieces are precocious girls whose parents are intellectuals and whose mothers are feminists. But this is their culture. It is insanely girly. Have you seen what is marketed to girls lately? Parents of girls (the parents who have any sort of brain at least) are driven mad by all of this stuff. What can you do? Hope that the girls are smart enough that they will figure it out. We did. Anyway, my point is that you don't have to completely capitulate to this insanely frilly girly girl culture but you gotta work with it. They want to be princesses. Sparkly princesses. Don't we all?

Anyway. First off, I just want to point out that neither Andrea or Michael have a desk and that's just a basic functionality problem.

I like this Tiffany blue with the taupe palette but it feels too much like what we want to make a girl's taste into rather than what it actually is. My biggest problem is that the empty display shelves just scream "I don't have a clue!" I mean that is just a total failure of imagination.

Michael

At least Michael knew enough to know that girls like to run around with glittery red shoes and party dresses and butterfly wings. (Not all of them of course!) And Michael put nail polish on the bed and let me tell you something girlfriend that is an extremely important activity!

Okay, there are parts of this that are a little too old but shabby chic is actually one of the strategies my friend uses to negotiate what her daughter wants in her room with something she can live with. The wall colors probably should have been, yes, pink. Pink and white stripes like the door would have been bright. The chair was a little drab. With light enough pink and white he could have used rose reds for accents. He'd have to put up more shelves for the ponies, of course.

But this room is not a failure of imagination. In that way it is much more successful as a room than Andrea's.

I think this room is, in some ways, more successful than Goil's. The nail polish, butterfly wings, party dress, sparkly shoes -- these all speak to knowing something about what it is like to inhabit the imagination of his client. As opposed to a large red plastic pepper?

This much is for certain: the judges were far too hard on Michael. At least Jonathan admits this in his blog. However no one, so far, is cutting Michael much slack on his design. I just hope he didn't get too discouraged by all the negativity. I sense a decorator of great talent there but he is having trouble finding his way out.

enough with the punk

Click here to read the note on the purpose of these annotations of Top Design biographies.

Ryan

Design style: Bull in a china shop
Does he leave a stain on the carpet? Do people actually want a designer who ruins their stuff?

He considers all of his education a blessing because he comes from a small industrial town in Ohio where great opportunities were a luxury. He is extremely appreciative of what he has and is not afraid to do whatever it takes to be successful.
READ: He has a major chip on his shoulder.
I’m reminded of Stephen Colbert’s discussion about being the son of a turd farmer.

He works 24-hours a day
READ: has some sort of manic disorder,

and describes his personal style as “half Henry Rollins, half David Lee Roth, with a sprinkle of Evil Knievel.”
It’s Evol. That is a fairly unhip attempt to sound hip. We're getting into Jeffrey territory (PR3). (Honestly. I forgot Jeffrey’s last name but don’t remind me of it the sooner it is out of my mind the better.) At least Ryan doesn’t dress like he’s in Spinal Tap.
Advice: please for the love of god, get the David Lee Roth part removed. A good podiatrist can take care of that.

Prediction: This one has issues. May be prone to fits of uncontrollable rage. Alert the nearby medical facilities.

Andrea

Style : modern bold and cultural
bold = forces her style on clients
cultural = I’ve traveled so I'm cultural

Andrea has shared her expertise with the world in several television programs. Married with two boys, she is part Swiss, speaks four languages, and is in the process of learning two more.

How specifically is she in the process of doing this? Will she be bringing her tapes with her? Does she study the languages every other day or does she split her study time each day? This sounds like total bullshit.

Underneath all the proven accomplishments, Andrea is a self-proclaimed punk rocker, and she prefers to live by the fringe and often dyes her hair pink.
Part Swiss AND a punk rocker?! Fuckin’ A.

I hardly have to point out that if you think dying your hair pink makes you punk -- or proves that you live by the fringe -- then you have pretty much proven that you are not.

I already went through this with Jeffrey (PR3) my friends. These people are too young by at least a decade to have been punk when punk was still around. They were barely in school at the time.

There seems to be some confusion between the word "punk" and the word rebellious. Or even just idea of not always being in the mainstream. It's getting so ridiculous that the word has practically lost all meaning.