wayne's world

and other ideas for Top Design improvements and spinoffs

They are down to three designers: Andrea, Matt and Carisa.

This is actual dialogue:

Matt: We’re Charlie’s Angels.
[They are entering the PDC.[
Matt: I’m Farrah.
Andrea: Yes. Yes you are.

Priceless.

The Angels head to the PDC to get their orders.

Charlie/Todd: Pick an Elle Décor cover. Design a room like this cover but not like this cover.

Make it for $7,500. That shouldn’t be a problem after you’ve had the PDC discounts and budgets of 40K. You have all of Los Angeles to shop in. Oh? You don’t know the city? No problem – here’s a computer. You can enter the names of the shops you don’t know into the computer and get their addresses here.

It’s another damned PDC pod assignment. What? They couldn’t find three rooms in all of Los Angeles that they could use?

Andrea goes straight to an architectural shop. She’s going to focus on how she is an architect rather than a designer. That is what the judges are looking for in her right? She is also looking for “natural looking” furnishings. I guess because her style is so natural—very crunchy and earthy.

Carisa – god love her – is having a fabulous time shopping. One thing I admire about Carisa is that when she isn’t stressed she is incredibly cheerful about what she is doing.

That does look like a fun shop.

Andrea is being very smug about how she has the advantage since she’s from Los Angeles. Uh-oh.

Then there is Matt. He is freaking out. This was painful but it was also entertaining. I did not realize that he was THAT much of a decorator prima donna.

Now I have not jumped on the whole Matt-is-gay bandwagon. I've been amused by it, sure. But I've not insisted that it must be so. I’ve a penchant for those lean intellectual guys. (And of course there is the whole “Jesus-is-My-Boyfriend- um, let’s call it an “unresolved issue”.”)

Anyhoo, I can go with the whole Charlies Angels / Farrah thing – that was a self-conscious joke - however, THIS was one of the gayest things I’ve heard:

“Like, bargain shopping – that’s not what I do.”

Of course he may have momentarily been possessed by Cher from Clueless.

Anyway, there is more fun to be had with Matt -- lots more -- when we meet his tailor Wayne Yazzie, who, guessing from his hat and glasses, appears to have been in the midst of a poker game.

I would like to find a picture of Wayne to use here.
If anyone has a screen cap I can use let me know.

The enigmatic Wayne inspired the sidebar below:

NOTE TO PRODUCERS:

1. wayne

I have this to say about the sudden introduction of Wayne:

WHAT THE HELL?!!

Where has HE been? We are just NOW meeting this character?!!! Are there more of them in the PDC upholstery center? Has Bravo been hiding some treasure trove of nutcases from viewers?

I feel completely cheated. It is like there was this whole other show that I missed -- the fun, entertaining version of Top Design -- the show that included kooks like Wayne.

2. todd

Speaking of which, that show would also have included a lot more of Todd. Could Todd be more wonderful? I think not.

Todd is completely and utterly the Voice of Reason. And you need that if you have a show populated by people who are increasingly becoming more and more insane.

Todd has a similar role to Tim Gunn but he plays it in a very different way. Todd is very understated. He’s much kinder, gentler. Tim Gunn seems more informed because he acts the role of the expert: imperious and opinionated. It is hilarious and theatrical; it is perfect for the world of fashion which has so much to do with performance.

Todd is actually much more informed; he has far more experience in the field and unlike Gunn he provides real hands-on instructions – tips and tricks -- on how to do things. Frankly we did not get enough Todd time. We could even use a little Todd segment each episode. Like on how to do that little upholstery trick he showed Matt.

3. the carpenters

The carpenters should be standing up there with the designers. They do a hell of a lot of work. I mean Goil had Sarah make a lot of aesthetic decisions for him. Carl sees himself as an artisan and that may lead to a lot of arguing with Carisa but it is also why she succeeds. Plus, from the start Carisa’s designs have had a lot of built-ins so – although she would never admit it – her work is very much a team effort. Some of those carpenters are craftsmen (and women) and as a potter you’d think Jonathan Adler would realize that the ones that are doing that level of work deserve a little more of the credit.

4. the weasel

Get rid of that sick little mofo “The Assistant.” Bravo should be ashamed of itself for encouraging this by letting it continue. You would never have someone write things in the name of Bravo that were that homophobic or racist. Why is it okay to be that virulently misogynist?

. . . AND WE’RE BACK

Matt says he has Margaret in the back of his head.

Kelly claims that Matt confessed "a distracting crush on Margaret."

Oh, that will go over well back at home.

Through the NSA we've been able to get excerpts from Matt's phone calls following this revelation.

Wife: Who is this Margaret? Where does this whore live? I swear to god I'll cut her.

Daughter: Daddy what's a switchblade?

Wife: I'm coming to get your skinny-ass. I'll kill you and your whore-bitch girlfriend.

Daughter: Mommy went on a trip. Uncles Hoboy and Kilo are here. They make sugar and they said I can try some if I'm good.

Wife: You bastard. I liked it better when you were gay.

Well, I'm sure they've patched things up by now.


Unfortunately either Margaret isn't talking to Carisa or the voices in Carisa's head are bickering so much that she can't hear what Margaret is saying this week. Because what Margaret is saying is that there is no way in hell that Elle Décor would publish any of her designs, which is what Margaret says at the judging.

This is why it is bizarre that they kicked Andrea off. Carisa’s room was basically the best room. If it wasn’t going to win because it was not up to Elle Décor ’s standards then you might as well kick Carisa off now. Why have her go on to the finals if in the finals Margaret is just going to say the same thing: this isn't Elle Décor 's style.

Part of this is Carisa's fault. It was like she was trying to irk Margaret. She knew what Margaret's pet peeve was -- and so that was what she did.

Oh Carisa -- pillows on the Jacobson chair? WhyWhyWhy?

If you have listened to anything Margaret has said to you then why in gods name do you have pillows everywhere?

Maybe she has the wrong Margaret voice in her head. Maybe she has the voice of Marge Simpson.

"I say there should be more pillows and knick-knacks!"

ANDI 'N' CARI : COMING TO YOUR TOWN SOON!

Andrea and Carisa are such opposites that they are like a comedy team. Andrea is so understated that she seems morose. Her statements are often unintentionally droll. Carisa can be very funny and of course she is also comically awful at times.



Carisa (sharing her unsolicited opinion with Andrea): "I’m not sure why you painted it at all . . . Nothing says happy like grey.”

Andrea is pissed off at Carisa for saying this and yet in the next scene she realizes that her grey room is depressing. To brighten it up and make it happy she paints it taupe. That’s the spirit Andrea.

Andrea: “Carisa is different from me in thinking and vocalizing” which is a rather quaint way of saying that Carisa is a bitch.

Andrea: “I love hearing other people freak out.“ For Andrea “vocalizing” (a primitive animal act) or any sort of expression of emotion would involve a massive surgical procedure. She can’t help it. Let us not forget that Andrea is Swiss and emotions are for ethnic people.


If that comedy team doesn’t work out perhaps there could be a sitcom with Carl and Carisa. I think we all cheered when Carl finally snapped at Carisa. I also thought it was hilarious that Carisa didn’t miss a beat. Neither one of them did. The two of them just kept on working and bickering. It is amazing that they can concentrate. It is amazing that someone hasn’t lost a finger.

Or a head.

Even so, I thought Carisa was going to win.

Carisa's room really captured the cover of Elle magazine -- so I don't know how you can then say it isn't Elle's style or standard. If it isn't up to that level of luxury maybe that is because the budget was $7500.

It says a lot about how much Margaret hates Carisa’s style. Or something. It almost seems like there is some class snobbery going on that makes Margaret biased against Carisa.

Jonathan, on the other hand, is clearly charmed by her. He likes her style but he also likes that "be happy" part of Clarisa.


However, Margaret was dressed in a silver silk satin dress in the style of a 1930s film goddess so you know her word was the final word.

As if it ever isn’t.

Kelly, by the way, had gotten rid of her bad perm this week. That's the good news.

The bad news is that she had plates hanging from her ears -- not dinner or salad plates, more like bread plates.

The look was sort of Apocalypto by way of Fort Lauderdale.

It was understated for her.

bravo's blog bile

or what ails top design and what might help clear its system

A couple symptoms of the problems with Bravo's Top Design can be found in two of its blogs: Jonathan Adler's and The Assistant's who both seem to have discovered how to pleasure themselves with the critic's stick (all puns intended). They've realized that it is easy to get a reaction by just waving it around at people (if not bludgeoning them with it). This saves them from having to use any thought let alone subtlety.

* * * *

jonathan

I really want to like this guy but he's sapping my strength.

One reason for the discordances in the show is that, for obvious reasons, it ends with the judging. The imperiousness of Margaret Russell, the snarkiness of Jonathan Adler, and the looniness of Kelly Wearstler can be amusing but they can also hit some rather off notes.

The latest posting from Jonathan Adler describes his views towards Michael as being "charitable" versus "less charitable." It strikes me as being a difference between "uncharitable" versus "mean-spirited."

What goes around comes around.

If I'm feeling charitable, I imagine that Michael wanted some decorative motif for his room and, under time pressure and suffering from exhaustion he just chose those birds and moved on.

The less charitable me has hypothesized that he's insane. In any event, it was a bad idea, second only to them colors. I suppose he could have thought that the birds were a kitsch gesture and that it would be cute.

Re: kitsch, I've often been accused of being a kitsch-enthusiast, which is totally untrue -- I actually hate kitsch. Pink flamingoes on the front lawn? No, merci. But, in the hands of some creative mavericks, traditional kitsch iconography transcends its kitschiness and becomes fantastic.

For instance, I have a giant poodle lamp in my bedroom that's so big and well-crafted that I couldn't say no. I have series of clown pictures that are intricately crafted in wood marquetry and they are so brilliantly designed and made that you really can't argue with them.

Sometimes it's the things in questionable taste -- inappropriate, vulgar, or a little kooky -- that make a room memorable. Diana Vreeland once said, "A little bad taste is like a nice splash of paprika. No taste is what I'm against."

Anyway, whatever. That still doesn't make them birds okay.

I don't need to demonstrate how this is self-contradictory and hypocritical -- and others have already drawn attention to these problems (pink navy, top design blogger). The internal logic of this passage is utterly non-existant. Thus when we get to the alleged conclusion: "Anyway, whatever. That still doesn't make them birds okay" -- asserted as if he has proven some point -- we can only respond with a resounding WFT?

By the way, I'm officially sick and tired of his faux folksiness, e.g., the use of them phrases that use them down-home dialect constructions. I might be able to enjoy this cutesy verbal decorative kitch as endearing if his manner were not so utterly condesdencing. There is something in his manner that belies such a sense of superiority towards (if not also a complete ignorance of) people who actually speak this way.

* * * *

NOTE: -- please read my reality television recommended reading as a reminder of the way that I am discussing the personalities on the show (especially "for the record.") I think of the judges as personas -- characters invented and performed for a television show. There is a difference between Jonathan Adler, the Top Design judge, which is a role played by the actual person Jonathan Adler. How much the two have in common I do not know. However there are two things that are proven to be strongly personality-altering--both consciously and unconsciously: being on television and having power over other people, such as being a judge.

* * * *

the toad

If Jonathan's blog shows an off note, this blog moves us from sour into foul.

I want to know why Bravo is paying this guy to write a blog? He isn't like the judges who are talented people whose opinions count for something. He's not funny. He's not likable. He's just obnoxious.

He reminds me of those boys in junior high school who didn't really do anything -- they weren't smart or popular, they didn't do sports, they weren't dorky nice guys; they were just a little band of brats who went around tormenting people: spreading gossip, insulting people for their weakness (making fun of the fat kid, the kid with bad acne or thick glasses). They were toadies for popular kids and bullies who had no respect for them.

His latest blog gives us gossip that could end up getting one of the cameramen fired. He tells us about the people on the show he dislikes. He informs us about the designs he dislikes. He wrote an ignorant description of Elizabeth when she was kicked off that was totally inappropriate. (Who died and make him the king of what was cool? Of what was hip and who was out of date? Does the world want to know that a little shit like him thinks women over the age of forty are old fogies?) He is even snide about the judges.

The contestants, he tells us, "can annoy like nails on a chalkboard." Well cry me a river. It's your job to deal with them.

It is really rather bizarre.

What is the point? To undermine the show and the cast? To make himself seem important? Even though he has no apparent talent or knowledge of design he can make himself sound like he's as big as the judges and the cast because he can cut them down as an official voice on the Bravo TV web site?

He isn't a blogger like those of us out here doing this for fun -- and for free. We don't actually know these people--we aren't saying anything that is personal--we are talking about this as a television show--as a type of fiction. Plus, and this is the important part: we are doing this not because we are employees but because we are fans.

* * * *

rucker

Which just reminds me, by way of contrast, of Rucker. I suppose because reading his blog you got the sense that the show was fun (and a lot of work and a pain in the ass and kind of insane). He was also incredibly funny. He wasn't mean-spirited and nasty about the show and the people on it. The worst he ever did was shrug his shoulders at the camera when Vincent had his fluff and fold tantrum. That moment, that gesture, says everything about reality television. That may go down as the most hilarious moment in reality television. Ever.

* * * *

What can be done?

mr todd

On Project Runway Tim Gunn's voice plays an important role setting the tone. The problem is that there isn't enough of Todd's voice in the show. That is a big mistake. The other personalities just are not likeable enough to carry the show.

Todd had a successful show on House of Style. He has a quirky manner but it really grows on you after a while. We need to see more of him. Maybe it isn't too late for the last half of the season to be edited in order to bring out more of Todd's voice, which is funny, genuine, and smart. It may not be as histrionic, pompous and over-the-top as reality television likes, but it is what Top Design needs to keep it from sinking in the mire of its own bile.

University of Virginia Health Sciences Library

* * * *

Finally, am I being mean-spirited myself? Perhaps. (Do I contradict myself?)

Nonetheless, I prefer a scalpel to carrying a stick.

dear todd: let me count the ways

I have been negligent in discussing the judges. This is partly because the judges will be there all season and the contestants will not. Or at least most of them will not.

My lack of attention does not reflect a lack of interest in them. On the contrary. I have already discussed my sense that Margaret Russell is going to be the wit of the show. I think that Kelly Wearstler will at least regale us with her wardrobe. I get the sense that Jonathan Adler will be providing us with just as many killer expressions as Margaret Russell.

If this is not a WTF look then I don't know what is:

Also, I sense that there is a lot hovering just under the surface of that giddy exterior of his. (Can things hover under or do they only hover over and simmer under?) But that is for another post.

Today is Todd Time.

Yes, it is true that so far I have only teased him about his stilted demeanor on the first show.

(You have to admit that once the resemblance is pointed out, you cannot get it out of your head.)


Perhaps I have been ignoring Todd because to think of him is to set my heart racing.

I blush.

I stammer.

I hit the F keys.


But, really, can you blame me?

There's cute-cute and there's cute-hot. Cute-cute doesn't age well. Age has been kind to Todd.

Be still my heart.

If I were to acknowledge him I would have to acknowledge that he means more to me than he should.

After all, so many obstacles stand in our way: we have never met; he is gay; I am happily married.

But there will always be naysayers and cynics who want to stand in the way of true love.


It is true that I am unable to face him with my feelings. Literally. I don't know where he is.

And of course, he will never read this, although I'm pretty sure he knows how to read.

Yet my devotion is steadfast.

It began in those early heady House of Style days, when I was swept away by those boyish looks and that low-key demeanor of his lulled me into fantasies of being his hand-made hand-maiden, holding his glue gun as he bedazzles . . .


Um. Anyhoo.

Where was I?

The main point of this post was to list some of the reasons why he and I are soul mates, or at least why I think he's swell (in no particular order):

1. He is into fashion but not the industry.
2. His house is only 1100 square feet. (1)
3. He has a jack russell terrier.(2)
4. He is into crafts and the hand-made (3)
5. He is into typography and letterpress printing.
6. He is into 60s graphic arts.
7. He champions the artist Charley Harper.
8. He is not pretentious.
9. He has fab bicep tattoos.
10. He is against fur.
11. He wears Jack Purcells.
12. He is into mid-century modern. (4)
13. He likes animals, especially birds. (5)
14. He really thinks about design for people who don’t have money.
15. He seems to be more interested in being kind than looking cool.
16. Added later: He is friends with the wickedly funny Amy Sedaris and if anyone can find the hilarious clip of her on House of Style let me know. It used to be on YouTube but ViaCom made them take it down.

For more information on his projects: todd oldham studio

Coincidence or Kismet?
(1) Our house: 1100 square feet.
(2) I have a wire fox terrier*.
(3) When I was growing up I subscribed to a craft magazine.
(4) Our house was built in 1951 + I have furniture from the 1930s.
(5) My first sentence was "Look. See the birdie." An imperative, naturally.
I know, it's uncanny, huh?!

elsewhere in top design world

Once again I have to give a shout out to Linda Merrill's ::surroundings blog for her discussion of Top Design Episode 1. (And not just because her analysis confirms my feeling that Erik and Carisa's room was stronger than it got credit for being!)

I still think that aside from the over-pillowfication and small table it had the best sense of overall visual balance: vertical / horizontal / spacial.

The room is for relaxing right? They didn't plunk a big mattress down; there is another room for that. However I think I see where they were going with this design.

They created a fireplace and set two demure chairs for the cocktails and reparte. Naturally, once the ice is broken -- or melted -- you will want to get into something more comfortable. So you move over to that lovely long curvy velvet couch. Mmmm. It is so tasty and delicious. Of course, when the scene is set so that you are carried away, things happen. And if you should roll off the sofa on to the floor you will want the extra pillows and a big coffee table could be hazardous. It is actually a very well thought out and practical design. And it sure beats a sand pit.

Team Tasty and Delicious

Carisa is darling: so genuine and open. And Erik's my fav.

Anyhoo. I thought their space had a sort of Todd Oldham feel. While nothing they selected is out of keeping with the style of the room, they could have selected accessories more in line with Todd's playful, offbeat style.

Maybe it wouldn't have been Alexis's taste but I think it would have been a little more in keeping with the vibe of the five objects.

I suspect theirs was Todd's favorite room. Because Todd and I are very much on the same wavelength. (Note: It is a particularly high-pitched one.)

Anyway, for me, Merrill's blog is an essential supplement to the show. It provides the critique that we aren't able to get because the tv show must focus on entertaining us with the quips of the judges. I'm not criticizing that, mind you. It's half the fun.

Speaking of which, the television without pity recaplet offers the the following zingers:

The celebrity turns out to be Alexis Arquette, with the mystery apparently being, “How in the hell does Alexis Arquette qualify as a celebrity?” [Ahem. - Ed.]

John and Michael narrowly avoid elimination despite the fact that both are convinced that the other one is a complete tool. Boys, boys -- you're both right. [Ahem. - Ed.]

and this gem of an observation of:

the eerie similarities between the voices of host Todd Oldham and Kenneth the Page from 30 Rock

damned [blog] spot

I lost my post for my blog today when for some reason it didn't save. Maybe I can rewrite some of it tomorrow. . . . I have so many unanswered questions, such as:

Why was Kelly Wearstler wearing a pink-striped carousel awning?


Will Todd stop talking to the cast as if they were on Sesame Street?


& how did the litter box room design win?

The Top Design Producers