top design without pity

The news that Bravo bought television without pity reminded me to go check the twop recap for top design.

I keep forgetting to check in with twop. It takes so long for the recap to go up that it has just dropped out of my routine. It is worth the wait, though, and this week's is no exception. Here are a few choice observations:

This seems like less of a job for Top Design and more of one for Clean House. Or at least one for Child Protective Services, if the Bells are serious about turning a garage into a play area for their kids. ("Hi, I'm actor Troy McClure. You might remember me from such educational filmstrips as ‘Carbon Monoxide: Nature's Unwanted Play Friend.'") Also, the Bells realize they can use other rooms in the house for things like offices and play areas and whatnot, right? Or is there some gypsy curse that prevents them from going up to the second floor?

re: the murderous look Ma Bell shoots at Ryan when he suggests de-cluttering: "Get rid of a lot stuff? Get rid of it? Then how will our neighbors know how rich we are? We didn't meticulously accrue a lot of things we don't need or want or even realize we have just to have some hippie vagrant suggest we get rid of it all. And you have the audacity to suggest such a thing in front of my children?"

Andrea's response to the shed add-on was: "out of nowhere came these impossible obstacles." ... Lady -- you're turning a shed into a workspace; you're not building the Panama Canal... Carisa's able to snag some filing cabinets and tabletops to make the "impossible" task of outfitting the shed a little more possible -- it's like a Christmas miracle!

Andrea frets that Goil is spending too much time on the bed. Boy, if only someone in charge of the project would express the concern directly to Goil.

Jonathan tells the contestants that they'll be judged on overall design execution, teamwork, how well they met the individual needs of each family member, and their personal contribution to the project; that means they'll likely be judged on their biorhythms, what they did two weeks ago, what kind of spread was available from the craft services table today, and a special mathematical formula that only Kelly Wearstler understands. Oh, and Jonathan also walked through the garage with the Bell family and got their feedback -- he waves his notes menacingly at the Top Designers -- so expect him to rely heavily on the Bells' opinions, unless it diverges from his own.

Ryan makes it ever more difficult to sympathize with him: "If my aesthetic doesn't please the judges, so be it. I can walk home to the slum that is the art world tomorrow and be perfectly happy." Petulant I'm-better-than-this-gig rants come across as much more powerful when they don't sound like the copy for a Calvin Klein perfume ad. ("If having a daring point of view is a crime, then declare me guilty!")

Ah, but let's get the opinion of the most important member of the Bell Family -- the all-new GMC Acadia ("The Acadia: We didn't start invading countries just so you people could start conserving fuel all of a sudden!") Pa Bell is able to drive the Acadia into the garage without any mishap -- "The Acadia: Now entirely parkable!" -- which produces a round of applause from the rest of the Bells and Jonathan. They must go crazy when someone successfully parallel-parks.

The "Throw Your Fellow Contestants Under the Bus" fun continues when talk turns to the color palette -- the kids suggested it, Andrea says, but Michael chose the actual colors. That's going to be quite a surprise to him.

Michael: "And I've got to take a piss so let's go." I think the great speeches of history would be improved exponentially if they ended on that declaration.

re: the derisive fury the judges are targeting at Michael. "I just know he is the author of the color of those curtains," Jonathan sighs. "Of course, he is," Margaret cackles. "He's never met a shade of grape he doesn't love," Jonathan adds. "Burn the witch! Burn the witch! Cleanse the earth with fire!" the judges chant.

Ryan says goodbye to a few of his fellow Top Designers: "All right, kids. Fight the power." Somewhere, Chuck D. just threw up into his mouth a little bit.

Click here to read the entire recap.

There are also the TwoP Polls, such as:

It's a garage! And a play area! And a workspace! What other things should the Bells request for this project, since they have subservient labor at their disposal?

A sliding floor the rolls back to reveal a Jacuzzi - 30%

A sliding floor that rolls back to reveal a Jacuzzi

A breakfast nook - 7%

A breakfast nook

A second floor - 10%

A second floor

A life-size foosball table - 9%

A life-size foosball table

Ramparts, to protect them from the howling mob when the inevitable class war breaks out - 41%

Ramparts, to protect them from the howling mob when the inevitable class war breaks out

Maybe now that Bravo has bought the web site they will take some of its advice:

at this point, Top Design can't even go five minutes without illustrating what the producers got wrong about making a compelling and engaging program.

Anyway, I'm going to go back and read the recaps I've missed from the last few weeks.

That said, it would be nice if television without pity top design would send a note to the folks at blogging top design and let them know when the recap is up.