limón drops

4:30 PM SATURDAY 03/18: THE COMMENT FUNCTION IS AVAILABLE AGAIN. IT GOT SWITCHED OFF FOR A WHILE THIS AFTERNOON. A GHOST -- or leprechaun -- IN THE MACHINE I GUESS. SORRY ABOUT THAT. BUT IT IS WORKING NOW SO PLEASE, COMMENT AWAY!

I’m doing something different this week – more of a regular recap. So far this week I haven’t read any recaps – so I haven’t had a chance to copy anyone clever like Eric3000 – so I’m not sure how good this will be but here goes.

1. The Setup

There are two groups:

1. The Bradys: Andrea, Erik and Goil &
2. The Mean Girls: Matt, Michael and Carisa.

THE BLESSING
They are each creating a party on sacred ground that has been blessed by The Spirit of Exquisite Taste in All Things but Especially Hat and Shoes the Holy Mother of God What is He Wearing Elton John of the Oscarae Bashiana Fabulosity be Thy Name.

THE EVENT
The party is for the product placement of Bacardi Limón.
I get the dry heaves just thinking about sweet rum mixed with lemon flavoring.

THE CATCH

1. They are throwing the party inside a GMC Acadia.
2. The party must be "sensorial" because Bicardi has decided that their product is going to be associated with being sensorial. I take this to mean that everyone at the party will be on ecstasy.

THE CURSE
Todd also mentions doing something "to hero” the product. I begin to weep silently for the demise of the English language. May whomever turned hero into a verb to be used for advertising promotion burn forever in a lake of fire.


THE IDEAS :

• Goil wants to do a Star Trek theme. He becomes R2D2 and while they are working on the project he makes only vague single syllable noises.
• Erik wants to create a Polish wedding in the backyard of his mom’s house. He thinks of Elton John as a Chicago Polish mom which is just one of about a hundred adorable things Erik says. Someone that cute and that funny and with such strong old school skills has a good chance of sticking around for a while--perhaps winning the whole thing, right?
• Michael wants to throw a bar mitzvah for himself.

2. The Mean Girls

The Mean Girls have drawn up their plans and are now meeting with the carpenters. By this time Michael's Bar Mitzvah Boy has retreated and two of Michaels many other personalities have taken over. He is veering wildly between:

BriBri, a fifth tier New York debutante who is invited to some of the hip social affairs but is able to get into all of them because she knows all the djs and has slept with most of the bouncers.

and

Arleen, an embittered divorcee whose children haven’t spoken to her in over a decade. She is the boss from hell who runs a pr firm and berates her assistant so relentlessly that she has to hire a new one every two weeks.

Carisa is showing the carpenters the plans with an overall theme of open squares.

Michael/Arleen: "NO."

Carisa and the Carpenters stop and look at him.

Michael/Arleen (to Carisa): "I would have mentioned this earlier but then I wouldn’t have been able to humiliate you in front of the carpenters"

Matt: (giggles)

Carisa: "Oh" (speechless by this sudden change)

Michael/Arleen: "We should all be able to express our opinion without being talked over and put down."

Matt (giggle, whispers to Michael): "Tell her she’s a doodyface!"

Carisa: "Here is the design for the dj platforms"

Michael/BriBri: NO.

Carisa: What?!

Michael/BriBri: "I rented a table the dj will stand on because djs don’t work in booths, they just stand on tables with go-go dancers. I know because I go to all the big social affairs in New York. Paris and Misha are my closest friends.

Matt: "Michael that’s brill – you’re a genius. You're going to introduce me to them right?"

Carisa: "Go-Go dancers?"

Michael/BriBri: "We can all see you are having trouble with other people expressing their opinions."

Carisa: "I don’t want it to be tacky."

Michael/BriBri: "They won't be tacky. They will be gold. I know because I've been to parties that Donald Trump throws and he's very classy. Ivanka is one of my closest best friends. "

Matt (whispers to Michael): "Tell Carisa that she’s not allowed in our secret club."

Carisa: "Whatever." (To the carpenters): "Here are the seating areas."

Michael/BriBri: "NO."

"People don’t sit at parties. How can you not know that? Nobody ever sits at a party. I know this because I go to parties and you don’t because I’m popular and you aren’t. "

Matt: (giggle) "Yeah, we’re popular. We’re tall and blond and thin and popular and the boys like us."

Carisa: "Okay fine. You take over and tell us what to do."

Michael: "I don’t actually have any ideas I just want to make it look like you are being bossy and not letting us have our say. Have I made you so angry that you can’t breathe yet? Because I can keep going until you pass out from a lack of oxygen. "


3. The Bradys

Meanwhile the Bradys are redoing the attic so Greg and Marcia can finally have a room to drop acid and make out in.

Erik/Greg: "Lets hang the lemons and the bottles like hippy beads."

Andrea/Marcia: "Can we get Felicia’s afghan? That would look nice with some furry flowers."

Erik: "Where’s Goil?"

Andrea: "Back at the Bells' garage putting more finishing touches on the dog bed."

Goil/R2D2: "uh yeep ba ip"

Andrea (to camera): "We have to keep Goil doing little projects so he won't get obsessed again"

Erik and Andrea are turning Goil’s chandelier into a sofa.

Goil/R2D2: (stabbing lemons with nails): "neep neep neep neep"

Goil (to camera): "I wish they would listen to me."

Goil/R2D2: "ah um wha -- bleep bloop."

Erik (dreaming of being with Goil in a jacuzzi): "Hang on there Spartacus."

Goil (to camera): "I’m sacrificing my ego by holding in my rage until I have an audience that can best appreciate my dramatic range.


4. The Judging

Kelly: "I liked the bouncer. "

Jonathan: "He was so sensorial"

Margaret: "Yes, that overwhelming odor of Axe body spray really mixed well with the lemons."

The judges (to the Mean Girls): "We really liked the box motifs, the dj booth, and the seating areas -- whose overall design was it?"

Carisa: "It was mine"

Matt gasps and rolls his eyes with the bitchy queen bee technique that he has perfected over this this episode.

Michael: "I’m outraged even though I shot down all of Carisa's ideas that the judges liked and even though I would never share the credit myself "

Carisa (Not backing down): "The overall design was mine."

Michael: "Well I did the flowers."

Carisa shows Matt that she can still roll her eyes better than he can. Matt cowers behind Michael.

Jonathan (Queen of the Eye Rollers): Ladies, don't even go there.

Carisa: "Michael used too much cabbage in his flower arrangements."

Michael: "We created everything together. We worked as a team."

Matt: (worried, whispers to Michael): "Except that Carisa’s not allowed in our club, right, Michael, right?"

Michael. "Everyone should follow my example. See how nice it is to be nice?"

Everyone: "Which personality is the nice one? Have we met him yet?"

Kelly: "Did you all celebrate together when you finished?"

Matt and Michael do their special secret club handshake.

Matt: "Carisa has cooties!"

Margaret: "Well clearly Matt has the maturity and neutrality to have been the leader of the group. So he is the winner."

Jonathan: "So Goil how was your experience?"

Goil: "They put duct tape over my mouth and never let me speak. It’s a club that I can never be in!!

Carisa: "Cry me a river."

Andrea and Erik : "What the f—"

Jonathan: "How could you two be so cruel to our favorite? And you didn’t let him spend the entire time on his one pet project? What is WRONG with you two?! Wait. Where did he go?"

Goil has built a rolling cubbyhole and has crawled into it and is now rocking himself and repeating "Marcia Marcia Marcia."

Margaret: "Everyone! Go to your room!"

Andrea: "Goil Why didn't you tell us?"

Goil: "You were my favorite! I was R2D2 but now I'm Jan Brady! It’s a mess!"

Michael is horrified that Goil is becoming the center of attention. Unable to stand the idea of anyone being a bigger drama queen than he is, his Scarlett Rose Blanche personality takes over.

Scarlett Rose Blanche (comforting Goil):“Come over here child.”

Scarlett Rose Blanche (barks at cameraman): “Are you getting this? Zoom in closer!”

Scarlett Rose Blanche (looking off into the distance and speaking slowly, like Blanche Dubois' in her “I have always relied on the kindness of strangers” speech):

“We have no idea where this is going.”


FADE TO BLACK


5. Coda:

Erik is packing up his workspace. He tells us that he is an Alpha Male. He pees on the table before he leaves.